The word comes from on high that there is going to be a movie version of Dungeons & Dragons. Gamers, geeks, and closet role players worldwide rejoice. Further, the movie has taken 10 years to make, and one can therefore safely assume that it will be an epic masterpiece, right?

Oh, you poor deluded innocent. My team at work went to see this film last Friday, and it was an actively painful experience, especially for anyone with any affection at all for the source material. There was only a single character who was well-acted — a remarkable statistic considering that the cast included the likes of Jeremy Irons and Tom Baker. The CGI creatures, with the possible exception of the dragons, were nowhere near as realistically rendered or imbued with the subtle nuance of personality as anything you’d see in Quake. And the script…oh, the script…what evil have we as a race done to deserve that script?

I was initially going to suggest waiting until it comes out on video to see it, but that’s too generous. Then I was going to suggest waiting until it’s broadcast so that you don’t have to blow the 99 cents at Hastings, but that’s still giving it too much credit. So, my official viewing advice is this:

Wait until you’re over at a friends house, and he’s already unwittingly rented the movie at Blockbuster’s inflated rates and will be actively losing money if you don’t sit down and watch it with him. Then, as he leans over to put the movie in the VCR, hit him over the head rendering him unconcious. Pull out your wallet and leave $3 on his prostrate form as compensation for the rental fee, and return the movie immediately, preferably while wearing rubber gloves, or if you’re a true philanthopist, burn it, making sure there are no small children downwind from the toxic fumes, and eat the fee from Blockbuster.

You’ll be glad you did.